Not that we need an excuse to have a screwed up sense of what love is, but I’ve compiled a list to help place the blame. It’s bad enough that we had insanely high hair and day-glo tights, but now we have to endure the damage years and years of cheesy 80s love songs have caused.

Don’t we all still find it shocking when our lovers don’t bust through any doors, stare longingly into our eyes, muttering how they can’t live without us while holding radios over their heads in the friggin’ rain? These songs aren’t about love, people – these songs are your excuses for being a complete and utter maniac.

10. Can’t Fight This Feeling

REO Speedwagon

“If I have to crawl upon the floor, come crashing through your door…” The only ex that’s ever going to come crashing through the door is the “restraining order ex.” Do we really think stalkers are romantic? Broseph, if you have to break down the door, she doesn’t want you there. Try fighting the feeling with a handle of vodka and a night out with the boys.

9. Faithfully

Journey

Alrighty, this song is about a lead singer, on the road, rocking out, but still remaining faithful to his lady. Talk about the biggest pile of crap ever — throw in a hot tub and a receptionist and most people can’t even be faithful on an overnight business trip to Tucson.

8. All Out of Love

Air Supply

This doosey is about a fella who cheated and is not only apologizing, but telling his lady that if he can’t have her love he will “be gone.” In the 80s, I assumed this meant he would die, but now, after several break-ups with no deaths, I realize this song is crap; people are never all out of love — they just pass their love on to their next relationship.

7. In Your Eyes

Peter Gabriel

Soooo…basically you’re telling me that this guy needs to take one glance into his lady friend’s baby blues and BANG! his heart is filled. Then why is the very next line about how he’s tired of working on their survival? Contradiction? Yes. Plus the description of the light and heat in her eyes just sounds like she’s pissed at him for staying out to late with his homies. This isn’t about love, it’s all about jealousy.

6. Drive

The Cars

Okay, so your crazy, drunk, out of control girlfriend is constantly calling you to pick her up in a random alley at 3am, you actually have to physically restrain her when she gets the shakes and you’re sad because you two broke up and you can’t do it anymore? Really? The song describes a bi-polar, alcoholic maniac — most men would be overjoyed they finally got rid of this crazy bitch.

5. Straight From the Heart

Bryan Adams

Not to seem terribly cynical here (too late), but when I first heard this song, I got all twisty, but now…well, when was the last time a man looked at you and said, “it’s coming straight from the heart?” Never? Exactly. My theory: this song is about a booty call and he’s just trying to get back in her pants one last time. The title from 2010 would be “Straight From the Bar.”

4. Endless Love

Lionel Richie

Lionel has provided all of us with unrealistic expectations of love for decades now, but this song is the one that kills our souls. Not only is the girl his first love, but his ONLY love. Everyone knows you have to sample a ton of meat before you decide on just one! This song propagates the idea that your first true love will be your only love. Ever. You know what this kind of one-sided dreaming causes? Heartache and eventually, lowered expectations.

3. The Next Time I Fall

Amy Grant and Peter Cetera

I remember thinking how romantic this song was back in the 80s and just hoping someone would tell me what a mistake they made falling in love with someone else, but listening now? This song is screaming for people to just sit around and wait. “Not this time, sweet cheeks, but maaaybe next time.” Fuck you.

2. Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now

Starship

You know what’s gonna stop these idiots? REALITY. If everyone is literally calling you crazy and the world’s falling apart around the both of you – get out. It’s not romantic to watch your lives crumble before your eyes just because you wanna hold hands. Everything’s going to stop you, including, but not limited to a restraining order.

1. With or Without You

U2

I’ve lost count of the jerkbags I’ve dedicated this song to, but it must be in the hundreds (don’t judge) by now. You don’t want to be with them, but you do and either way, you pretty much have to off yourself just to come to some sort of resolution. Great. Yay love. Sigh.